insignificance
I challenged myself to carry My slave into subspace and back again. I didn’t hold anything back, and I had a commitment to the intensity of my delivery and the content of what I said to her. I didn’t record the words that I said, but the beauty of how my words impacted her have been recorded here. I challenged her. I spoke to her as a Master should. I took her into subspace over the phone. She listened, she absorbed, she flew. Then I pulled her back and told her to write about her experience. You can understand what I said by reading her response. You can feel her emotions, and her growth.
The following is the unedited email from My slave, 12 July 2009:
Master,
she is sitting here, slowly taking in all that happened earlier, digesting it, working through it – as she always does, You know what she is like Master.
The one thing that she is full up with, brimming over with is love for her Master and He knows that, she knows too how much Master loves, cherishes and cares for His slave.
She knows Master likes to read her thoughts and it also helps her to understand herself better.
This is from my heart, the girl’s heart straight to her Master’s. With You the girl belongs, she gives You everything, You own her and have her trust implicitly and if that wasn’t ever apparent today then she is very sorry for making You feel that she had doubts, because that was never the case. The doubts, if any, were just a mix up of emotions within her, being scared of the enormity of it all. You did quite rightly point out that this whole concept was nothing new and the girl is no novice, it’s true, but she thinks it all boils down to previously it was always more part of a scene. Perhaps this time it had more resonance somehow, not sure if that makes sense Master? But, like You said this was about reaching a destination and true enough a slave only has the value that her Master gives/places upon her. When she was hearing those words about being insignificant and worthless and then having to repeat them, oh gosh, that was a hard thing. Its not about being proud or full of herself, just like she was having some sort of identity crisis. All she could think of was ‘well i am insignificant, oh my god” and all she could see was a deep black chasm of nothing, like she barely existed. It’s a little confusing because she does understand that a slave is owned, is property, but she is still a person, a human being. It was like she couldn’t focus on anything else – it wasn’t that she didn’t trust Master or believe that He loves and cherishes her, it was just that she was lost, focused on the feeling of nothing. It’s kinda hard to explain unless You experience it. Then it just spiralled. When she questioned/asked about You cutting the string it was only asked because You had brought it up. She would never have considered it she doesn’t think but once You said You had the power to cut the string well the thought was there and it did indeed terrify her. Yet, deep within her she always knew You would never do that, and that Master is there for her, she trusts Him.
Throughout the whole ‘exercise’ as well as feeling lost, scared she was trying to find the meaning and necessity behind it. Trying to understand what purpose it served and understanding that was somewhat difficult for her because she was so upset. She is still a little confused about whether she is supposed to feel and believe herself to be not worth anything, it’s a hard ask Master. If its like a final test then she is having trouble passing! There is no denying how real her love, her devotion, her submission is. She truly feels that she has given herself to Master but she knows in her heart that she is not worthless yet as she writes this she is really upset and doesn’t understand it. It’s about how she views herself, its scary. She doesn’t know what to do. Perhaps she is tired and not seeing things clearly and needs Master back. When she says its scary she knows Master is there for her so she will be ok. Please help her understand better. Sorry if it rambles or could make better sense but she is very tired suddenly.
xoxo
She wrote this the next day.
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/// © Master Zoomer
/// “insignificance”
/// June 11, 2010
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