Vanilla-Xtract

I could never attempt to describe how she feels about me as her Master. But as her Master I can demand that she tells me how she feels and I can insist that she do it in writing. The collar I ordered was just days away from reaching her, and I assigned her to write to me about her submission. There are many things that I know about her that she doesn’t realize for herself, and this writing assignment was to bring it all to the front of her mind, to create something that would record how she was feeling at the time.

I knew that this was what she needed to fully know how she felt inside. She needed to hear herself speak about it in her own words. She had already emotionally submitted to me in so many ways, and I knew it. The physical distance between us I refused to allow to hinder her growth or my own. The writing assignment I knew was a milestone and it was one that we could both treasure reading in the future. But it’s primary purpose was to get her to reveal to me, and in turn, herself, the feelings that she had about her position as my slave, and having me as her Master.

~:~

Here is my email to her with the assignment:

Subject: your “submission” submission
Sent: 18 Dec 2009 21:00

Writing for Me is not a homework assignment. It is a privilege and an honor.

I have My reasons for requiring a deadline. One of those reasons is that if you had more time, you would write more pages, and be less succinct and poignant. Another reason is that I am unable to focus on U/us during your Sunday, so I want to receive it by My 10am Sat. and enjoy it with you. I have other reasons that I will not, or can not specify. I think your focus on the piece is more important than the piece itself, i.e. pages or words or writing or typing. This is your chance to express yourself about something that has become difficult to define plainly.

I watch you exert energy on your school assignments, and it wears you down. I want My piece to energize you.

There is no comparing Me with your school and the teachers and their assignments. Would you work less hard for Me than for school? I know I’m not asking too much, but I think you’re feeling like I am. Don’t think too much, and enjoy this. It will be fulfilling, trust Me.

Write for Me.

~Master

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

~:~

Here in its unedited form, is her letter to me via email, sent December 19, 2009.

Master

i am now glad You wanted me to write this piece. Even in my busy day and feeling unwell it has given me pause for thought and allowed me time to reflect, something i think i need to do periodically, and something W/we need to do because of the physical distance between us. Even when i am feeling ill it helps take my mind away from the pain and gives me comfort and i am glad for that. At one point i didn’t think i would finish writing it and i knew that You wouldn’t expect it because i am ill – but that spurred me on to write it. I wanted to give You something good to wake up to. You help me cope with all this pain and i want to give You something in return. I think if i felt 100% well it would be even better, but i have written it as well as i can and thats what matters.

Being physically apart makes it difficult at times for me to always ‘feel’ my slavery and in turn for You to feel the Master. I know for a fact that in person there would be no doubt about it and W/we would both feel it at all times and be totally happy and satisfied. So, in writing this and contemplating my submission it ensures i reflect on who and what i am to You. I also need to take more ownership about some protocols (something i have been trying to do lately), even small ones that just help us both; using ‘Master’ more often, asking for permission etc.

Sometimes, i barely even think about my submission and i wonder why? I think it is partly because i have already in my head and heart given myself totally to You. i hope You dont see this as a negative Master? I say it to show that its because i have become that girl, the submissive slave is me, just that i need to remind myself and You. My love and devotion are never in question and i know and You know i would do anything for You. But i do know at times i show some resistance or maybe a lack of respect and i was wondering why and how this occurs. I do not think it is something to be of any concern or worry about because You always bring me back and i always am re-balanced. I think and wonder though, if i were truly submissive and Your slave wouldn’t i always obey and wouldn’t i always be a good girl and never show resistance or lack of respect? Yet i think this is too simplistic a view to take. Because it’s about whats in the intent and about the reasons behind that intent surely? When in retrospect W/we look back on these ‘brief moments’ they are usually caused by technology getting in the way or in a slight breakdown in communication. In person that just wouldnt occur Master. So i am content and i know You are too and that these moments are not a refelction of my submission or feelings towards You. When i act out i get upset cos i hate being like that, mostly its out of frustration – it’s because i just want to please You and i need to make You content and happy.

My submission to You gives me peace and calm. It’s not just about the kinky side, although of course that is important. It’s about me giving over control to You, me feeling like Your slave and knowing how good it makes You to feel and be my Master. There is no better feeling than being cared for and submitting and giving over control. It’s hard to put into words Master. But when i struggle with something or i feel ill i know that i can give it all to You and i will be ok – i can only do that because of my submission. Because i give over myself to You i end up with a feeling of freedom and calm. I can’t imagine being anything else now, except being Yours. You are at the centre of everything for me – nothing gives me greater satisfaction than when i can help You or when through my submission You are able to use me in some way.

I used to worry at the beginning that somehow i was loosing a part of me in submitting fully to You Master, yet as the months have gone by i can see how wrong i was and in fact i have gained so much. i have never lost any of me – its simple, i just changed my perspective and i have gained so much. With Your strength and support and love it has enabled me to release my potential at college and believe in myself because You believe in me. Before i didnt have the mindset or desire to work hard enough, yet now i do because i want to make You proud and because You have shown me and allowed me to be all that i can truly be. However what is also very enlightening and which people would find hard to understand is that although i am working so hard on all this stuff at the same time my focus is on You Master, because You are at the centre.

i know in my heart that i would do anything for You. OK yes, the reality of it is if You asked me to do something really odd or weird then i would struggle, of course i would, i am only human – yet i trust You, i know everything is for a reason. I know how wise and clever You are, that’s part of why i was so drawn to You. In submitting to You, i place my trust and love in Your hands and know You will care for me and do the right thing. Some of the things You do or may wish to do are not always required to have a logical reason, sometimes it’s just about control, as Your slave it’s something that i long for and need and as the Master it’s something You desire. I long for the moment when i can kneel at Your feet Master and show You my submission in person, for that moment when i can bring You a drink or just be near You and show You my love, respect and submission in every action.

The question of my submission passed many many months ago, by that i mean the question of whether i truly had submitted. You know and i know that my mind, body, heart and soul belong to and are owned by You.

i love You so much.

xoxoxo

~:~

/// (c) Master Zoomer 2010
/// “her submission”
/// April 23, 2010

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Tags: bdsm, collar, correspondence, LDR, poetry, submission, Training

This entry was posted on Saturday, April 24th, 2010 at 1:13 am
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